Know me better

28 Jan, 2024

#CowboyBebop #MacPlus420ModernComp #Funk #Jazz #JazzFussion #"SoUnique" #CantBelieve-A-Thing* #WhatIsTruth #WhereIsTheEndOfThis #EvangelionSongsAreMajestic #"BornToFeelForcedTo(?)Fight" #PopularThingsDontAllSuck #MatterOfPrinciple #MatterOfPerspective #Mysticism #BodyAndSoul #MaybeSoulMusic #AmbiguousMusicGenres #WhoIAm #WhyAreWeThisWay #CanWeChange #TooSlowTooRandom #WhatYouWantVSWhatYouNeed #ChaoticMind #ComfortablePainKeepinMeAndYouFeelAlive #FormsChangesPrinciplesStays #WhyShouldIDoThisToMyself #WantToChangeButIDKWhatAndHow #ILoveYourHateTowardsMe #IHaveItIDontWantWantItAnymore #RapAndJazzAndTrapAndWeirdCoversMixes #NostalgiaForNever-BeenRealities #GenresChaos #WhatIsThisInMyHead #MemeticHazard #WeLiveInBoringFutures #WouldntItBeNice... #NetVSRealityVSSocietyImage(s) #LostMyselfInAllSarcasm #WhichOfTheseMe(s)IsTheOriginalIVeBeenBornWith? #NoRealityJustUI/UXObjects.con(s)c(epts):D*

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HighExpectationsEverywhere

Menovky

90s-kid, control, education, ego, gate-keeping, Harari-objectivist (-100), late 10s, music, opinions, philosophy, phonies, playlists, pokračovanie, post-9/11, post-cap, post-truth, postmodernism, pov, questions, rant,- rants, thoughts,

Various opinions

you see, shootings too, get normalized if it is "daily bread".
when things became norm, it is hard to see world as what it was before. we didnt have washing machines, microwaves, stoves. years before, there were only sheds and no running water or central heating...
like that

my mother is "boomer" who denies her problems ("its all good, love light laugh" bascially) father is prankster who would love to live in woods XD, but

• there was shit happening
• situations for life

i might have as well. i dont know if it was just jokes, or attacks, at elementary. at high school, it was more of evryone on phone and having no things on common, so i was rather alone, because i felt entitled to them XD

undesirable? yes, it seems as shit if everything is for profit. then, you are burden, but what gives. i hate it when i cant get job, but its not my fault if you cant fight it in the first place.
it is just fucked up and i will just wait til things go south, or until people at top will lose money/their positions to younger ones

i am dumb, idk what to do, i cant even decide what i want...

. i am anxious, question everything, am too dreamy and idealistic + romantic, moodswings over hi- and lo- expectations, no common ground with others (i made this weird, quirky and stupid façade of Self ...)

• i always, as kid, rather secluded myself from others, because idk, i maybe thought "i am interesting", "special", "too cool for others". and even if i wanted, i am nowadays undecided as fuck, know too many things and none of (those)
• i am specialist, - got no friends (had, but it was just bunch of kids on block - i got no topic to say...) -- went to no uni (undecided, hi expectations, my ideal of "forever 2007" died in 2013 (globalization to blame?)) - parents has it good, but it was so-so, as due communism - yet then, Americans say past was "just different", you just "walked in, shook hand, got job"...

*about hi-expectations - it was only that i could draw well and "remember" weird encyclopedia stuff [i am like, huh, dont every kid do that?] (it is hard to, but every kid draws, so it is messed up and that idea made me "aftergifted", of sorts - with no goal, just having surface knowledge and vocab on weird things)

Yes. I didn't participate much in anything, meaning I did the worst thing that I could - never truly fail. This has me spoiled; if you understand.

I am curious! To me it was scary because Shinji, MC, has to decide ; which is, for me, in my situation, that I never close any option, never decide...
Nightmare, if you will. He, as me,was told what to do, and when he had to decide and do A thing in his life for himself, it is... As being betrayed.

yes
you know these 3AM thoughts?
so, kinda this... you got them, got the idea, but then, the first thought just stops you

• "if i do this, then everything else would have to be solved too", so you rather dont even start also, when (related^) your mind tries to "lie", negotiate in the way all bad things recap clip-show
• you were learned into this way of thinking because of your experiences. you know this is possibility, yet, doing nothing is safer than doing anything
  maybe those eureka moments, enlightenments, only happen to people who hit the rock rock rock bottom; but idk, it is like, quite different level, kind, of "slap" - maybe it has to be related to more real world, to things that affect others
• that to "just mussing"...
  no idea here why is it (?) like that...

(redacted) i had it similar if not even worse
it is so bad to "by accident" ("skill issue", teachers not seeing who is victim and abuser)
more likely than not, punish victims. when they dont fight back, it is bad. when they do - it is bad, too.
tired of this shit.

totally, if "normies" did something worse than i would (i sometimes act weird and cant quite answer it why, then, later, or never) - like, make stupid reply, yell, get mad... i am thinking if i got autism, mother said i was "tested" as kid, we "could know"... idk, heard stories of adults who just found out deep in 40s-50s...
just lowkey scared i would lie myself into being autistic... or always was? no clue. like, if it is even possible to "lie" to those guys who do diagnosis (ever heard of Munchausen by proxy?) ~ idk the place, where or how those tests are done :/, i just want to know if i am just delusional, or if i was like this "from always"...

why is it not normalized(!) for those with disabilities to fight back!...

when normies act "goofypilled", it is romantized; when somebody does so of being "done with shit"
(not mad; not mad like that), from trauma, from fighting back - it is suddenly something bad?(!)

/secretative data/   

i thought, for difference, than me and few like-minded individuals/groups who were, as me, very low at that time (like 3 months or so, prior), attracted/made-to be covid "into" reality

• talked about here in chat, learned about (chaos?) magick... would be interesting if that is doable, and even, rather be used for better things...

  /from chat; these are my thoughts... opinions... i might be wrong; this is just how i see it...
  dont get offended and if, then - epiphany?huh?/
  i cant blame you for this, but people in general dont like complaining much, i know it firsthand,
  i complained way too much, that it started to annoy people (what a goofy mistake)

also, dont ask people on >redditcostanzayeahrightsmirk, they hold themselves on "high" standard (self-proclaimed, self-entitled geniuses, autists (whatever that means "in their book"), know-it-alls...)
also, no such discussion is possible in "religion" media - whatever becomes fad, popular and highly acclaimed, it loses all "magic" the time redditors (not all of them are bad, but in general, ~ every lie got some true and start somewhere (to be believable)) and fandoms (past 2013; things from here hits different) lose its niche status and becomes , mainly for "revival gems/all-time classics" - obsessions... (sorry if i cant explain this any better, or if i lie

• this is just what i and maybe some other people think)

you are not going insane - it is just that... evangelion was "inaccesible", "lost" (wink wink) and with Netflix, "all hell broke loose" - normies suddenly re-discovered "gem" , - or so those first-watchers, call it so and hold that, to a high status (if you are curious, there are some (such) tropes on Evangelion at TVTropes.org) ... [my fav trope is Main/ItsPopularNowItSucks]

/will NOT explain further - just feel the feelz.../
i understand it is hard to do so with autism. or when you are me and cant hardly lie about anything.
i feel like kid, but i got not that heart or balls to lie. it just feels disgusting to me, somewhat, it is weird. (could also be called naiive.)

it has to be hard to "make" reason when this is nothing that horrible to worry about. i would have no idea too, how to make lie (alternative story) on spot... people , and normies, has done worse things. murders get glorified too :/

/same^/
but this can also mean , "sign" (or you colud lie yourself into (i should prolly at times like that)) that you have to prove them wrong. - not thru words, but acts. working harder, doing art, trying to set habits, declutter - like that (i lie to myself now, but those things could work for others - i am too stubborn and quirky to change anything (and egoistic - something like Asuka, only that i am scaring of this coping mechanism of mine (or i got none such trait and lie to myself i have; again)))

/opinion; ^#3/
just see that IP as "religion", "fad" - or even! - always in positive light!
different view is always hard, but for society to improve (not saying politics or economics now), it is very needed.

• we seem, as Western society, to run away from problems, meaning - they get never solved and are just carried further and futher, until similar problems cluster, accumulate together - if this all even make some sense.

  /rant; all from -my- chats.../
  i meant, that they see "too much" into it. the anime being overhyped - those who seen it at original run, contrary to those who seen it the first time only on Netflix, creating kind of "temple", circlejerk, place where ... the people ever forget why they love(d) it, yet they repeat it again and again (primary meaning being lost) - worse of it, some might be just affluenzed by all those people, claiming how "high standard" the anime is/was. ~ also, that they (again) see "too much" into it - with all the themes, visuals and tropes

  • being not that deep really ~ the final episodes were goal, THE message, amid "filibuster" providing as "helping hands/support of story"

stupid incel "i am so popular look" edgy (zoomer) "i dont get it" "and?" lost in translation (just saying) * kids... i am not blaming you. there is just saying about "if you need to tell more than three people (iirc),
you want attention - no help" - idk how it goes with chatrooms tho...
it is indeed strange. no one can read? or understand? [well, if we live in world like this (post-truth 2020, trump-russia-gov_papers...), it really makes me (no) baffle at the state of society :/]

It was just Hideaki Anno's way to differentiate his anime from others.

And that with fandom - that is typical. Happened to me, yet, I don't like to lie or feel bad, hurting others.
/ I am just afraid that one day, I will have no choice, no will to longer hold it all in, - and go berserk, or do some weird shit, just to be seen... Can't explain it, maybe I just want to meet with people, that are same as me, in that regards. Underdogs, abandoned, banished... It just makes me, at the same time, uncomfortable if I would be seen by normies, my stupid brain assume they are all same, neoliberal "orange Emilys" who hate, yet support capitalistic exploitation by megacorps...
I couldn't care less, if I didn't hate my age bracket so much, in general. I got nothing in common with them.
If I ever would want to, it just makes me feel like copycat. Just liking something for sake of it, so fake...
(Tiktok have been disastrous to human race... (Fill in intro from Katsinski's manifesto))

I can't quite tell why I feel like this, if I want to, or I was just learned, made to, or just imagine myself being like this. If I want to be just weird for the sake of it, because I want to ?mean something special, for someone ~ is it just love?? Wait, maybe I just want to ?have sex...

*Sorry for rant, I am just Confussed about my relationship with humanity and my generation.

During 10th grade, one of the things that helped me cope was a book called
The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger.

The main character of the book, Holden Caufield, felt like he was trapped in a world of "phonies", people who just didn't give a care about anything, people who pretended to be someone else, people who tried to be other people. As I myself felt like I was in a similar predicament, given the fact that the adults of 10th grade were very neglectful.

yes, i read it too, on my own accord. we should, but we got no time on curriculum, so it was for me, just out of curiosity
funnily, the MC talks like i do - maybe i just copy others and things i like, unconsciously, or my "dark side" does (that one that goes against my values, but in my own "interest" (w/o values/virtues involved)...

I'm waiting for someone to love as well, as I seek a wife for myself to be the comfort of my eyes.   

Admittedly, I struggle with lust, which is one of the reasons I wish for a wife, so I can make her feel good, as well as myself.

yes. i too has problem, i just cant excuse myself wanting something out of selfishness, so i have to find "someone" to do it for... i know it is wrong, terrible and disgusting, but i just simply "dont matter that much"...

Who are these "orange Emilys". What country are you from?

it is hard to pinpoint, but mostly what i got is (political compass memes) - (young) people who try to "fight" capitalistic malpractices with ever more capitalism (imho, makes no sense much); and they self-identify themselves, because (idk) they feel good if they relate(?)...
pic-rel meme:

• https://images7.memedroid.com/images/UPLOADED997/5ff1d19d8145f.jpeg
• https://lens.google.comsearch?p=Acn1BYftK2hy7OFxfWzrXP8kc9JsIM6UbXyjGy3ZqsD8VAkq7qp0xAnNVfxyM-7_yW6MbPxDLDy4Ev_vzhx08_pcWeKaxYmj3v_ZFWRQqU43KwBhdukbvnQNPO0ovWM8lSTvpLQtWfv2FfE7uguME3mDMcSKtYeowDeudfDjo8CsOr0p3oWXHjAuSY9Oe0XqIfXM4nb8m7-6H6gbzkTCZaB0Mkxjw8FPS7yjVBx5QDzN--Y9aEEzkcLuhTAFadFDwXsEJimynJ06OQf4fgHn7-sZ6uXSupY47ea0NoOss8Q4ep=ccm#lns=W251bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLG51bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLG51bGwsIkVrY0tKR014TldJNU5ETTRMV0l3WkRndE5HSXhNaTA0Tm1KbExXSTBZVGsxTXpsa05EazVNQklmTUROemJWWTJja2RDVTI5WU5FbGhORUZXWjJGWFdVRkVjMjVhVjJ4U1p3PT0iLG51bGwsbnVsbCxbW251bGwsbnVsbCwiMC0wIl0sWyI1NzYxZTkyZC01YjYyLTQ5NWEtYjFkNi1jYjBjOWFmNmMyZWQiXV1d
• https://lens.google.com/search?p=Acn1BYftO4tIb3k_Gc9gEcoS8rauWU8P_KYPY8SLx9A9klW3EYrU8SfjBCL1CIz0hWTrL8siVLj1NSqH1huHbFJkFZIsfSQq5gMm80BP_VFArnAdjr-3-qcguWHTPVLVAwG56y7PaJiXy0uNBvMv_W4JHjQHD0N6YtGpqp0u4F7mhmvl58qLcEs60626A8j1FpwDGklIojM5P2NRPAdgumHFHJtUgSWQXpwEjMHc3elhvQbmbtAg63UmPmgzUYtdOrovIzyFUHblgx6i2p39aQuBzs-a7ysP5o_OAxs_isURep=ccm#lns=W251bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLG51bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLG51bGwsIkVrY0tKREZrTkRCaU5qTmtMVE15TVRjdE5EVmlNQzFpTldWaExXUm1aR1k1TUdSa1lXVm1PUklmWTE4eVRWSmpNM2c0U0hOVVVVUjFWV2RKVkUxaWJEVm5kbHAwVjJ4U1p3PT0iLG51bGwsbnVsbCxudWxsLDEsbnVsbCxbbnVsbCxudWxsLFswLDAsMTAwMDAwLDEwMDAwMF0sbnVsbCw1XV0=

oh, so it seems (TIL) those are meme generalizations of SJWs; idk on the last one tho...
(maybe i am???) /rest redacted/

dreams? i havent got those in years. since 2012/13 when "meanings and values shifted", it looks like Mark Fisher has truth and we indeed live in world where future wont come, and we will live forever like this (broadly shows and throws hands around)

there are 8 billion people, so if it doesnt harm anyone (1st-hand), it should be ok; maybe if you showed it to some veterans (no jokes), they too would react similarly, or someone who might be hit by it (but not on >redditcostanzayeahrightsmirk much ;) )
it is weird, how you feel hit by it, almost, if not, feel the urge to change; yet, you seem (talking from my experience) to shrug it off as "i was made into this, who i am, by accidents, so i have no say..." - you just cant argue, because, in fact, you know no other way around

• you havent grow out of it; - to think "out of the box", differently, - you got no other reference or experience to grab to; so you stay the same - you would love to, if you (i/me) wasnt so stubborn, wannabe-ignorant, could see a way out of this > is it as if i picked the wrong way and found out too late, dont remember why you did this in the first place, and then forgot which turn leads to beggining. maybe that is the feeling - when you want to "return to innocence"...

• https://www.thetoptens.com/internet/worst-fandoms-groups-internet/ (9 - Weeboos)

  ... (memes incoming)

ME: 1960s: on my yearly salary I bought 2 vehicles, a trailer, a boat and 2 houses in just 10 years. | 2023: my salary is 10x greater than salary in the 60s and I can barely make rent. I might not even get to finish writing this sentence because my landlord is going to turn off my electri

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ivp442RLS8list=TLPQMTMwNzIwMjMWY-54arCQ0Aindex=2

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FrdqalJWAAAQS2v?format=jpgname=large

/"confussed" take/
ME: id like NATO if it were like 50s and wouldnt try to numb-down everything to lowest common denom, like, ... "to not hurt anybody", so we need to "westernize" the globe...

ME: People cXTSJeMm_normal.jpg
NATO@NATOWorking for peace, security freedom for one billion people.

• Official Twitter account of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization. - #NATO #WeAreNATO... (ideas??)

ME: John Berkeyjohnberkey.com
John Berkey was an American artist known for his space and science fiction themed works. Some of Berkey's best-known work includes much of the original poster art for the Star Wars trilogy, the poster for the 1976 remake of King Kong and also the "Old Elvis Stamp". Wikipedia

ME: is this bs write-up? https://aesthetics.fandom.com/wiki/User_blog:Doom-gloom-city-pop/SANDBOX_II:_Memes:_test

ME: cute cat https://cdn.discordapp.com/ attachme...22_6345032652270180_5012621974396716339_n.png

ME: It was like I was Bateman (am.psycho), just doing what I needed and that was it, I was like in trance. Ratherz or, closed in my bubble, little imaginative world where people are "gay space commies", if I have to call it retrospectively

Saturday at 2:11 AM
ME: Also, the premise of my problem is:
I was never allowed to fail. Like, I could, IF I had chance to do something that significant that it would ever be noticeablem i just was ignorant of my surroundings most of the time, most of my life

ME: well, wo wouldnt love to be goofy, loved, have claws and be able to jump and hop around!

Jul 7, 2023
ME: You will never be a cat. You have no whiskers, you have no tail, you have no fur. You are a homo sapien twisted by excessive internet usage and autism into a crude mockery of nature's perfection - penguinblanket ( read (these 2) from down up) +2

ME: i guess it is psyop to make society as fragile as possible. many narratives at once. see, they "got reasons", vs gov that is against that disruprtor. individualism vs collectivism, govs vs people who dont want govs or controls or snooping in their lives, or stupid laws around, byro shit and all that
or just yt-essay-smart. like lot of peoople on net. like, emos hopped in, then got normalized few years after, and - that happens

ME: Markov@MarkovMagnifico·20hthere's a common type of online pseudo-intellectual whose entire repertoire of knowledge comes from youtube videos and you can smell it on them immediately - could be me

ME: there is no You. because by West, you are Your job, or by what you do, what you like, it is materialistic, value-driven. values with meanings that are not defined, or which change all the time, as the wind (pol) blows Jul 6, 2023

ME: yes. kids and people who got too much free time. always was case. it doesnt mean it all isnt valid, but harming yourself only to be part of group...

Jul 6, 2023
ME: tell me more. like, i dream of gay-space-communism, but it is not real
ME: we strive for marxism, but we know it is just theory, so we stick for what it is, and hope for meteor to kill us all?

ME: i talked to Poe AI about bigotry and it knows nothing about 2021, but mentioned some Black american shit happening in 2014, that started (INO?) BLM

ME: The demise of the nation state | Globalisation | The Guardian After decades of globalisation, our political system has become obsolete – and spasms of resurgent nationalism are a sign of its irreversible decline. - By Rana Dasgupta

Jul 6, 2023
ME: who would have know that those buying bitcoin would not be cofee-drinking anarchists, but those at top, those who are the reason crypto exist...

https://64.media.tumblr.com/6957212c1c3275937d2e998dee612e42/6e9b5a3363a4e84d-17/s540x810/03a4e0059d13b19b3b5ec13f2b9b2717319e1d8c.jpg

ME: https://lonerwolf.com/lying-to-yourself/ did it all.vhehehe. sad. Been there did that. I feel like robot. I wanted to go batshit so many times.
No idea what stops me every time. Fear,.knowledge that next revolution after success will become another norm? Maybe I just hate that idea. ME: Kinda opposite. Online, I tend to generalize and to be abrasive, mean, cynical, afraid of misunderstanding and angry (state of current web). IRL, I am sweet, nice, cute, innocent and almost doormat. I can't say no. Got no heart to be selfish.
Idk how to be

society itself. No double taxes, no money into Sus projects but as direct as possible, schools being no standardized but being ROIs as means produced by students/working class, no job gaps, terminating stupid job applying and need for uni unless IRL needed

Jul 6, 2023 ME: Instead of internet ending this class struggle, it just swapped coats. Low and high posh, arguing over who started this. Those up need those below. Those down, well few, will become top ones, believe it or not. That is the pain of success. And power-trip.

Jul 6, 2023 ME: So we know what is wrong. Then, what is stopping us is the force of habit. Myth we tell ourselves. No. Past wasn't glorious. If it was, we wouldn't have to suffer its "unfillment; broken promise; aborted plan"

Jul 6, 2023 ME: Yeah, you saying all that makes me think of self-censoring, seeded-in by Society. Generations, and generalizations, patting ourselves how we know, or how we know. And being content, with those half-lives, rather than to challenge ourselves, for that we may find truth, that all is terrifying...

Jul 6, 2023 ME: It is weird how I "hate" people and society behind screen, and all that disappears when I am outside. Anxiety is gone. I wonder. Why is it that, why at home I am anarchist who hate The system (all ills),but irl want to help everyone? God, it would be so easier if I was stupid reactionary. But I don't want to destroy what works. And there is so much that don't.

Jul 6, 2023 ME: Like, afraid of myself. I don't want to do anything of fear , consequences, fear of success, not knowing what to do if my dreams came through - then what? Will I be suicidal? Will I try to make new reality, where nothing stands on solid ground

• where all that matters is improvement? But then what. Do I want that or it is not my dream, just something I want so I can belong?

Jul 6, 2023 ME: Too stupid-smart. False intelligence. Posh ego, but that don't boast - only that I do nothing, superior in my inaction, lying myself how smart I am, so I don't have to disrupt world.

Jul 6, 2023
ME: There has been discussion about when dude burnt the Talented kids school. LCD being, those are psychos who will go thru dead. I wonder what make me not be like that.
I am exact opposite, emotional mess that can't do anything "to not hurt others". I wonder.
Maybe I lack inter-personal skills too, so I try to greypill myself as evil, holding myself back on my own restrictions

Lies to myself I call "Inspiration"

Pinboard Notes

Means - Different
Content - Same (Lead...)

Do it wrong, Not at all
Or Do it right

10% - What you did
90% - W.Y.D. with this Situation...

Question Everything... "there"

Not "You", but your actions & reactions makes (you) "You" :/

• Not "You" (there) - just _your reactions;
  No excuses, nor expectations...

All your life, you collect people to/for your funeral;
Also, you collect things to Define yourself with...

---Cicada 3301 Koan--- "Loss" ---Ccd---

:::You worry === You-Target:::
---There is nothing worse than to...---
Be (not) Afraid to do something
and Then to Worry about Missed Opportunity :(
)Happy to be Me, ig(

NO mistakes, JUST "experimental phase"

//If EveryBody [X], then would you (do it), too?

NO MORE THINKING, THANKS!

÷÷÷garden÷÷÷
Shiawase no Monosashi [EN]
/\always could be worse /s /\
· Nikdy (ešte) nebolo tak, ako ešte len bude

~Dont fear the Reaper~
/Look at me, What do You see, Am I real, Or Just a dream...
^Sissy Snowflake [BEAT ME TO IT!]

/It s my Life; And You are, Pardon, NO(T) my art director,
~ NOR any of roles main --- sorry, Not sorry./

Ak máš v ruke kladivo,
všetko začne vyzerať
ako klinec.

„Bože, daj mi pokoj, aby som prijal to, čo nemôžem zmeniť
a daj mi odvahu zmeniť to, čo zmeniť môžem a mám
a ešte mi daj múdrosť spoznať ten rozdiel.“
— František z Assisi

„Najväčšia chyba, ktorú môžete v živote urobiť,
je stále mať strach, že nejakú urobíte.“
— Elbert Hubbard

Arts - creations

"I am everywhere" - links

Portfolio (I made for once)